25 WORST CHRISTMAS MOVIES COUNTDOWN

From BAD to REALLY BAD to IT SURELY CAN’T GET WORSE THAN THIS to OH YES IT CAN, here is my countdown of the 25 WORST CHRISTMAS MOVIES OF ALL TIME.

I did a previous post around this time last year in which I named my 13 worst Christmas movies of all time.

Well, that was just kids stuff. Now we’re in the big leagues.

Not only is this list almost twice as long, but I am also ranking them in order from LEAST BAD to MOST BAD – for lack of better terminology.

As always, there are probably some obvious titles that won’t show up here. That means I either haven’t seen them yet or I didn’t think they were as bad as other people did.

RUNNERS-UP

I would like to honor two runners-up that finished #26 and #27, so they JUST MISSED making the final cut.

A CHRISTMAS ROMANCE

The fact that Olivia Newton-John and Gregory Harrison have absolutely no chemistry in a film with the word ROMANCE in its title, well, that puts an immediate nail in the coffin of this misfire.

A CHRISTMAS WITHOUT SNOW

A well-intentioned by shabby production that is poorly made on multiple levels, this film starring Michael Learned and John Houseman about a divorcee joining a church choir, has a few too many sins to forgive.

25 WORST CHRISTMAS MOVIES

And now, in order of increasing awfulness, is my list of the 25 WORST CHRISTMAS MOVIES of all time.

25) DOLLY PARTON’S CHRISTMAS ON THE SQUARE

Dolly Parton could well be the best songwriter of the last 50 years, but this isn’t her finest hour. Lots of generic lyrics about climbing mountains and reaching for stars, and Dolly herself seems to be the only one here comfortable singing her songs. The acting is atrocious – I cringed multiple times and had to look away from the screen a time or two.

24) 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS EVE

An uninspired combination of GROUNDHOG DAY and SCROOGED, the lead character’s transformation is unconvincing, and Steven Weber’s bland performance doesn’t help matters any. It’s mind-boggling that this was directed by the same Martha Coolidge who directed Laura Dern and Diane Ladd to Oscar nominations in RAMBLING ROSE in the early 90s. And any movie that wastes the comic brilliance of Molly Shannon is unforgivable!

23) MY DAD’S CHRISTMAS DATE

A DOA comedy/drama where even the actors seem tired and uninterested. Jeremy Piven tries to channel his inner Steve Carell but doesn’t possess an ounce of Carell’s humor or pathos. The chemistry between him and Olivia-Mai Barrett as his daughter is non-existent – you’d think they were third cousins twice removed who just met each other days ago.

22) SURVIVING CHRISTMAS

There’s nothing more agonizing than watching an actor TRY to be funny. And poor Ben Affleck…well..at least he was having good hair days. Even the brilliant comic actors surrounding him can’t make this material work. The central romance with Christina Applegate is appalling. A subplot involving a young teen’s porn addiction is in poor taste. This is a strongly dislikable motion picture!

21) NOEL

How this cornucopia of Christmas corniness attracted multiple Oscar winning actors is a baffling mystery. The theme of overwhelming loneliness is appropriate for a serious holiday film, but the overlapping storylines lack cohesion, and there is one plot line in particular that is among the strangest and most ludicrous I’ve seen in ages. Only the sheer talent of the actors involved keep this from appearing higher on my list.

20) A MERRY FRIGGIN’ CHRISTMAS

Released three months after Robin Williams’ death, this film unfortunately is filled with unlikable characters and has an abrupt switch in tone from first half to second that is not believable in the slightest. Imagine CHRISTMAS VACATION filled with nothing but Cousin Eddies! Joel McHale does his best, but Williams is frankly unbearable – his attempts at mean-spirited comedy fall flat, and the 180-degree turn that brings out his mawkish PATCH ADAMS side is pretty much unwatchable. A scuzzy, bourbon-guzzling Santa doesn’t help matters any.

19) CANDY CANE LANE

This is a drab, unoriginal bore that lacks even a moment of inspiration or creativity. From the sitcom-worthy family to the laugh track-worthy level of humor, the best adjective I can come up with is BLAND. Eddie Murphy seems already defeated barely after the opening credits, and Jillian Bell, so wonderful in BRITTANY RUNS A MARATHON, is excruciatingly unfunny. This certainly won’t be joining my list of modern holiday classics!

18) TRADING CHRISTMAS

This is a relentlessly irritating spin on Nancy Meyers’ THE HOLIDAY that would probably last 20 minutes if the characters involved acted like normal human beings just half of the time. Ranging from dull as dishwater to fingernails on a chalkboard, the couple involved are devoid of charisma, and I couldn’t care less if they ended up together. Only Faith Ford’s innate charm keeps this from hitting rock bottom.

17) CHRISTMAS WITH THE ANDERSONS

Yet another Christmas movie about truly horrendous people who magically turn their lives around just in time for the holidays. Everything here feels phony and almost insulting. These characters aren’t people – they are cliches from a bad novel in a discount bin. Everything about this screams bottom-level D-list production, and there’s nothing you haven’t seen a million times before and a million times better.

16) BY GOD’S GRACE

This variation on A CHRISTMAS CAROL plays with the same past, present and future aspects but with a decidedly Christian slant. Unfortunately, it’s poorly acted and utterly predictable. The main character is broadly written and portrayed that his transformation feels more like schizophrenia than epiphany. And the script is so heavy handed that the viewer feels hit over the head with its message.

15) HEART OF THE HOLIDAYS

This movie features every characteristic I fear and dread about most Hallmark holiday movies and may have even invented a couple new ones. The lead characters have ZERO chemistry – zilch. And we are introduced here to one of the most irritating meddling mothers in Christmas movie history – her insistence on making hot cocoa for her daughter in every scene became a thorn in my side. Even the Christmas cookies looked unappealing!

14) CHRISTMAS BREAK-IN

Imagine HOME ALONE in a public school rather than a $400,000 Chicago suburb house, and that’s basically all you need to know. If someone had told me this was written by a 5th grader, I would totally believe it. And perhaps the saddest part is watching Danny Glover reduced to sub-sitcom material like this. It also panders and condescends to children, which I kinda resent. I’m not a HOME ALONE fan, but this sad knock-off makes me want to reconsider my feelings.

13) CHRISTMAS OFFICE PARTY

Bah humbug! How can so many talented and funny people produce a movie that didn’t provide me a single laugh? Maybe it’s just me, but outrageous behavior isn’t inherently funny. I didn’t like any of these characters, I wasn’t interested in anything going on and I became more and more irritated that actors I enjoy and respect were being wasted on this nothingness. As for me, I’ll stick to Christmas episodes of THE OFFICE on television.

12) FALLING FOR CHRISTMAS

Nothing would make me happier than a Lindsay Lohan comeback movie. This ain’t it. The beginning scenes are painful to watch – we’re talking sub-par Saturday morning live-action kids show bad. Then it devolves into the normal Hallmark-esque formula we all know like the back of our hands. Featuring the most annoying child performance in ages and a seeming inability for Lohan to express any kind of facial emotion (when she smiles, I could imagine tiny elves with invisible string pulling on the sides of her mouth), the whole thing feels surprisingly cheap. The most interesting thing here is the leading man’s name – Chord Overstreet. Sounds like someone from a James Bond movie.

11) A BAD MOM’S CHRISTMAS

I had a very visceral and negative reaction to this so-called comedy. I don’t consider myself a prude, but watching a young girl of maybe 6 or 7 repeatedly use the f-word just isn’t humorous to me. Performances are all over the board from downright hideous to seemingly embarrassed. Mila Kunis is the only actor here who seems to understand how to play this material. Had everyone else been on her level, this could have worked better. A good movie could be made about the stress of mother during Christmas – this ain’t it. Not by a long shot!

10) FOUR CHRISTMASES

A definite contender for the Worst Film of All Time Featuring Multiple Oscar Winner, in 89 short minutes, it manages to exemplify almost every single characteristic I hate about modern American comedy, and it may have even invented a couple new ones. Rumor has it that Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn hated each other – it shows! I find it impossible to believe that the talent involved couldn’t have come up with something memorable. It feels as stale as a three-month old fruitcake. If you like bad slapstick comedy, vomiting, babies getting knocked in the head, streaking children and religious mockery, this one’s for you!

9) DEBBIE MACOMBER’S MR. MIRACLE

Congratulations to Rob Morrow for giving the single most annoying performance in the history of Hallmark Christmas movies. His attempts at whimsy come across as mental illness, and I’m stupefied that someone didn’t take him aside and suggest a slightly different approach. The movie surrounding him isn’t much better. It’s also the “whitest” movie I’ve ever seen, featuring the largest number of “Karens” ever assembled. I spent the running time wanting nothing more than to throw large household objects at the television screen.

8) IF I ONLY HAD CHRISTMAS

A lifeless and uninspired excuse for a Christmas movie, I’ve seen Viagra commercials with more depth of character and insight into humanity. There’s nothing obscene or disgusting about it – it’s just like reaching for a handful of Cheetos and getting Styrofoam packing peanuts instead. Candace Cameron Bure is a cream cheese sculpture of an actress, and she handily runs the gamut of emotions from A to maybe about D. There is not a single inspired moment here, and I literally forgot every performance 20 minutes after it was over.

7) SAVING SANTA

Absolute torture! The plot is incomprehensible, the songs forgettable and kids aren’t likely to appreciate seeing Santa kidnapped and tied up with Christmas lights. Tim Conway was a comic genius but an uninspired choice to voice St. Nick. The only saving grace is the pleasure of hearing Tim Curry and Joan Collins talk – nothing like a good British accent. Otherwise, I could have done something a lot more entertaining like scraping the dead skin off my heels.

6) HOLIDATE

At the core of its being, this is simply a Hallmark or Lifetime Christmas movie event with more naughty words and sexual innuendo. I’ve said it before, a romcom is only as good as the chemistry between its lead actors – sadly Tom & Jerry had more sexual chemistry than Emma Roberts and Luke Bracey here. Roberts in general comes across to me as someone who has trouble projecting warmth onscreen. She has the brittle and obstinate parts down pat, but when the obligatory moments come when she is supposed to be reduced to romantic Jell-O, she doesn’t have any charm or affection. Bracey is just another personality-free stud, and Kristen Chenoweth is saddled with a character that is such a waste of her talent that it becomes almost offensive.

5) CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS

I hear this movie mentioned so often when friends and acquaintances talk about their favorite Christmas movies, and I have to simply smile and nod or momentarily excuse myself and bite my pillow. I don’t think this is just bad – it’s shockingly, mind-numbingly bad. It’s a movie about which I don’t want to discuss a lot because, well, life is short. I felt bad for the cast who, I guess, try to do their best, but even Santa himself doesn’t have enough magic to make this a decent holiday picture.

4) JINGLE ALL THE WAY

Watching Arnold Schwarzenegger try to be funny is truly one of the most excruciatingly uncomfortable things in movie history. And stand-up comic Sinbad matches him every step of the way in a truly unbearable performance. This is the cinematic equivalent of getting burnt fast food after waiting in line for an hour next to a really smelly and talkative guy named Zeke. The exaggerated physical comedy is not only unfunny but almost offensive in its lack of tact. If you find stuff like this funny, more power to you, but I just don’t get it. I can’t think of one inspired moment that made me even crack the faintest of grins. This is a horrendously awful experience, and its 90 minute running time feels longer than GONE WITH THE WIND.

3) MY DAD IS SCROOGE

This movie is as bad as the title would suggest. Atrociously bad. Perhaps historically bad. The kind of bad where it hurts to keep watching, but you can’t help yourself because you can’t imagine it will get any worse. And then it does. In this one particular film, we have both one of the most awful child performances ever and THE single worst animal performance of all time. I dare you to tell me otherwise. The production values and acting in general are on par, I’d say, with a Wendys commercial. And that’s being generous. I suppose it deserves to be seen once so you will have a better appreciation for virtually every other movie you will see in your lifetime.

2) CHRISTMAS SLAY

I’m not going to spend much of my precious time going into detail with this one. It’s basically a bunch of college kids drunk on egg nog and stoned on who-knows-what making a movie solely intended on desecrating the holiday of Christmas by portraying a Santa-obsessed serial killer in the Scottish Highlands. It’s amateurishly shot, acted, written, produced, conceived, etc etc etc… Bad movies can be fun – but this isn’t one of them. It’s diseased.

1) KIRK CAMERON’S SAVING CHRISTMAS

Without a micro-second of hesitation, I choose this abomination against humanity as the worst Christmas movie of all time. Heck, it’s in contention for the worst movie of all time. Period. Boring, sanctimonious, amateurish, insulting, condescending, totally uncinematic in every way, shape or form. The deserved “winner” of four Razzie Awards, which annually honor the worst in cinema, the sheer ineptitude in concept and execution is almost staggeringly unbelievable. It almost reminds me of one of those horrid Super-8 educational movies we had to watch in middle school like YOU, ME AND THE HONEYBEE. The is a film to avoid like the plague, like all the plagues put together.

Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted.

And I’m sure you agreed with every single choice I made on this list. (ha ha ha)

What movies here did you actually like? What are some bad movies that deserved a mention? Give me your thoughts.